There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I pour the whiskey from now on
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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