I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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