Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Watching her eat just hurts me
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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