Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
There's always time for handjobs
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
