I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
