Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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