then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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