I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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