I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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