Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Someone shattered a urinal.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
