Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
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