I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
