Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
