No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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