Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Randomize
