Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
