1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
