You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
