i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
