Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I think I won the penis lottery.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
