Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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