Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
