Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
