anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
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Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
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I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
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