I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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