my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
