there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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