im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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