It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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