True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
