Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
