I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
