I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
