I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
