No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Green mimosas i think yes
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
