I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
