Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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