Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
