At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
