The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
