Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
