Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
