it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
