69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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