Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
