Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
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Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize