Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
