It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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