Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
