Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
