Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
