Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
