how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
