i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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