What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
