please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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